Wednesday, August 8, 2012

hitting

My boyfriend hits me sometimes.

After working with abused children for so many years, I have zero tolerance so every single time I tell him he may not hit me.  He responds with "of course I can hit you, you are my fiancé.  I'm allowed to hit you.  I reply, "no, you may not".  And I leave it at that.  But, so far it hasn't irritated me enough to force a full conversation about it.  But, I do want it clear that I am still in charge of my body and if I don't like it, it doesn't happen.

Then, the other day he hit me a couple times and I told him "you may not hit me"  He replied by hitting my leg a third time while saying that he can.  So, I hit him back.

He lit up!  He yelled, "YES! exactly!"  He grabbed my arm and made me hit his back again, only this time harder.  "I am your fiancé so you can hit me and you are my fiancé so I can hit you!"

And I realized that he wasn't hitting me, he was play-tapping me.  My years of being around abuse victims has jaded me.  All of a sudden I remembered jr. high when multiple guy friends would tell me that they loved hanging out with me because I could take a hit and that meant they could be friends with me.  Or the one time a guy cousin told me he liked another cousin better because he could punch her but I wouldn't let him punch me so he couldn't be himself around me.  I told him that I bruise easily so he couldn't punch me and why should that be a requirement in our friendship anyway?  He told me that it wasn't a requirement, its just guys are more physical so its easier to not have to worry about hurting a girl when hanging out together.  And then he corrected himself and said that actually being able to hit me worked just as well as punching her.

All of a sudden I didn't mind being hit at all.  But, I did make it clear to the fiancé that he must never touch me when angry.  He replied with "of course not, that would be horrible!"

4 comments:

  1. Idk bout that. Even if it is playful guy stuff ... you have lived through some stuff and No should mean No. It bothered you. If its playful stuff he has the ability to respect what you ask. Shouldn't be a big deal. Now is the time to lay a hard boundary and watch to see if he can respect that IMHO... Love you sister and can't wait to see you!!

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  2. That was the first time he continued after I said no and I'm glad he did because it made me realize I was being uber-sensitive. I can't even believe I considered that hitting anymore. It was barely tapping and always playful. I'm glad he pushed me. That said, he does respect my no's. In fact, he goes above and beyond. He'll patiently wait and push for me to create an opinion if I don't have one. I think he knew that I was saying no for no reason. I wasn't triggered, it didn't create an issue for me. I just have that boundary and have to maintain it with my special needs kids and was carrying that over into a NT relationship for no reason.

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  3. Well, then in that case, smack his butt next time ;-)

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  4. It is good to know where the boundaries are and play hitting is one way to show affection. I'm always slapping J on the back side, but I don't let him play hit me anywhere but the butt since I bruised a couple times when he gently slugged me in the arm or something like that. You are right, it is a way guys have grown up learning to socialize and be friendly. The slap each other when they play sports or when they are rough housing. They seem to recognize the difference between affectionate hits and violent ones in a way us girls are not taught, so that is good that you are learning more about how physical affection can be communicated.

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